Hardwood
by Ardwynna Morrigu
Summary: All Sephiroth wanted to do was drink his tea, yawn through his paperwork and go right back home. But something unexpected has landed on his desk. It's going to be a long, hard day. [Post-canon; Slight Divergence AU: Marriageverse]


**Hardwood**

Sephiroth strolled into his office, sipping from a travel mug full of tea when the dick on his desk made him pause. It was an unimpressive penis in a generic sort of tan, non-erect and of average length and girth. What Sephiroth found truly perturbing, though, was that there was no sign of its owner. He took another sip and contemplated his next move.

He circled around, taking in the fact that there was only one testicle attached. It looked rather lonely. There was no blood spillage that he could see, at least. There was no scent of cautery in the air, or much of any scent at all for that matter. There were no tattoos, piercings or other identifying marks. He stood at his desk, mug in hand, and stared down at the thing, contemplating ways to find the owner. If someone was missing a penis, they were probably looking for it.

His cellphone rang and he answered immediately. "Reeve, there's a penis on my desk. What should I do?"

"Good mo- wait, what?"

"There's a penis," Sephiroth said, "on my desk. What should I do?"

Reeve sputtered. "How am I supposed to know?"

"You're the one with all the creative technical solutions," Sephiroth said, swirling his teabag around in the last of the water.

"Yeah, for robotics and computers," Reeve reminded the man. "Dick removal is a completely different department."

"Can't you come up with something, then?" Sephiroth asked, woefully finishing his tea.

"Call a Hazmat unit?" Reeve suggested. "How did this happen?"

"I don't know," Sephiroth said. "I walked into the office and there it was." The intercom buzzed to life, announcing a guest.

"Is somebody sending you a message?" Reeve asked.

"I don't know," Sephiroth said, pacing a little. "I thought chocobo heads were more customary for that kind of thing."

"A head's a head," Reeve said, "although somebody'd have to be real mad at you to cut off somebody else's wiener. Hey, did you get Aerith mad?"

Sephiroth scoffed. "Firstly, Aer was too busy to do this last night, if you catch my drift, secondly, she'd never threaten my anatomy like this even if she were mad, and thirdly, Cloud's here. Is that thing you sent going to be any use?"

Over the phone there was an audible sigh. "Not for this."

Cloud strode in, resplendant in his riding leathers, sword on his back, storage crate under one arm. Sephiroth gave him a brief nod of acknowledgement and went back to his phone conversation. Cloud was about to set the crate down when he spotted the dick. He paused mid-swing, looking to Sephiroth for some explanation. All Sephiroth could do was shrug and listen to Reeve explain the technical specs on the latest delivery.

Cloud set the crate down in front of the desk, took himself a seat and waited. Sephiroth walked a tight circle around his desk, stopping to check the code on the crate. "Compatible with the X-23 attachment, like we agreed? The weapon department will be looking forward to it. I'll let you know how the trials go." He cocked his head and listened some more. Cloud's fingers flexed as if he wanted to reach out and touch the disembodied member, but he thought better of it.

"Don't worry about the other thing, Reeve," Sephiroth said, "Cloud's here now. I can just have him ride it somewhere far away."

"I'm not taking that thing anywhere," Cloud said, crossing his arms.

Sephiroth snapped his phone shut. "Don't be difficult, Cloud. All you have to do is toss it off a cliff or something."

"Is that procedure?" Cloud said.

Sephiroth frowned. "I suppose not. Which department do you call to bag and tag body parts again?"

Cloud scratched his head. "Is it even real?"

Now Sephiroth folded his arms too and squinted down at the offending object. "Looks real enough. Anatomically correct in every way."

"Could be a really good paintjob though," Cloud said. "What's it made of?"

Now it was Sephiroth's turn to ponder. "I don't really know."

Cloud shrugged. "Poke it and find out."

"I'm not touching that, it's a penis," Sephiroth said. "There's no telling where it's been."

"Well, I'm not touching it," Cloud said. They stared at the lonesome penis as if it had an answer to give. Cloud sighed. "You know what this means?"

"I can't do my paperwork today."

"You have a security breach, jackass."

"Ah, yes." Sephiroth tapped one foot. "Tea?"

"Coffee."

Sephiroth set about preparing two cups, one coffee, black, one tea, no milk, one and a half sugars. "Maybe I should make an announcement," he said, putting the sugar away. "If somebody lost it, they probably want it back."

Cloud shrugged. "Can't hurt. Guess I'd want mine back if it went missing." He accepted his coffee with quiet gratitude. "It's not one of Aeris's little… you know."

"No," Sephiroth said. "Not enough glitter."

Cloud sipped his coffee and didn't say a word. Sephiroth settled down in his padded executive chair, balancing his saucer on his knee. "If it's real, at least it was a clean cut."

"Probably too late to stitch it back, though." Cloud angled his head. The actual plane of severance lay against the hardwood, preventing all examination. The situation could be easily rectified by rolling the thing over, maybe checking for a 'Made in Corel' mark. But Cloud wasn't touching it.

Sephiroth finished his tea and stood. "Might as well get it over with," he said, pressing the intercom button.

"Cadet…."

"Lashlon, Sir," came a static-fuzzed voice. "I'm rostered at your front desk for the next two weeks."

"Glad to have you, Cadet. Oh, are you missing any body parts, by chance?"

"Uh… No, Sir, I don't believe so."

"Alright then, put me through the PA system. Basewide." Sephiroth shifted from one foot to the other while Lashlon figured out the controls.

"You're on, Sir."

Sephiroth didn't waste time. "Attention, all personnel, a penis has been found, believed to be recently separated from its owner. Approximately five inches long, light brown color, circumcised. One testicle attached, no piercings. If you're missing said body part, or know to whom it belongs, please report to the Commander's office to collect your belongings." He clicked the system off and sat back down, well-pleased.

Cloud sipped the rest of his coffee. "You got any plastic straws?" he asked. "We could use those to poke it. See if it moves like real skin."

"There's a thought," Sephiroth said. "But there haven't been too many straws around here since the kids outgrew juice boxes."

"But you still drink the ju-"

"Not anymore." Sephiroth spun half-away in his chair.

Cloud decided not to push it. "What are you going to do about your security breach?"

Sephiroth spun back around, lips pursed and fingers steepled. "There wasn't any sign of a break-in," he said, "and only a few people have the new code for the door."

Heavy footsteps outside heralded the arrival of one of those people. The old SOLDIERs could hear Lashlon trying to make some sort of effort to stop them outside. "Let him in, Lashlon," Sephiroth bellowed, not even bothering with the intercom anymore.

Rei stumbled in with his labcoat askew and hair fraying out of his braid. "You found Victor's wang?" he said, gasping for breath.

"Who's Victor and why did you castrate him?" Sephiroth countered. "Is he a pedophile? I might be okay with it if he's a pedophile."

Rei stumbled over to the desk and took the other seat next to Cloud. "He's the anatomy dummy."

Sephiroth frowned. "Now just because he's not bright doesn't mean you have to insult him."

"The model, Dad," Rei said. "In anatomy class. All his organs come out."

"No kidding," Cloud said, sizing up the organ in question. "So it's not real?"

"No, just a high grade silicon skin model," Rei said, pulling a latex glove out of one pocket. "So, I'll just take that and go."

"Hold up," Sephiroth said. "Why is this on my desk?"

"Uh…" Rei bit his lip. "Somebody must have stuck it in my backpack yesterday. We kinda play hide and seek with it in class."

"Hide and seek?" Cloud said.

Sephiroth massaged his forehead. "You mean like that game your mother and Aunt Tifa play?" Cloud glanced at him, turning pink in the face.

"Kinda," Rei said, dusting imaginary dirt off his pants to avoid looking anybody in the eye.

Sephiroth shook his head. "Just put it back where it belongs and try not to misplace it in my office again." Rei snapped on the glove and picked the penis up with a two-fingered grasp.

"You really need gloves for a fake dick?" Cloud asked.

"Well, yeah, Uncle Cloud," Rei said, rooting around in his endless pockets for a plastic baggie. "It's a dick. There's no telling where it's been." Cloud wisely edged away as Rei bagged the silicon appendage up.

Sephiroth waited for the door to click shut before he sighed. "All that money to send kids to medical school and they're playing games with dicks."

Cloud set his coffee cup down on the restored desk and cleared his throat. "It's a tough program. They need stress relief," he said. "Could be worse." Sephiroth agreed.

And when Cloud was long gone, Sephiroth found the decades-old, barely worn and allegedly clean lace panty in his desk drawer. He sighed and dialed for Aeris. Yes, it could always be worse.


End file.
